The day before my birthday 2001 is the day I will never forget. The day I changed forever. The day that has shaped every other day that has followed. The day that should never have happened. The day my son was stillborn at 39 weeks 2 days into the pregnancy.
It's been nearly 10 years and I'm tired. Tired of putting on my smiley face and pretending to function. Tired of trying to be who the world expects me to be. Tired of pretending to be ok. Tired of telling people that I'm coping and that I'm getting over it because I'm not. I never will. I've changed so completely and I still can't get my head around who I am and why I'm no longer the person I used to be. I feel like I never will. Today is a bad day. They happen far more often than I'd like.
It's hard not to feel constantly alone despite the fact that my world is full of love and people who are amazing. No matter how close I am to my loved ones, family and friends, no matter how much they love me and I love them, no matter how much I talk to them and they comfort me I know they can never understand how I feel and I wouldn't change that for the world. That's the way it should be. I truely wish that no one ever ever ever had to go through this but that doesn't stop me from wishing I could talk to someone who understands.
